Random Chain of Thought

-If I was studying medicine now, I know for sure what I wanna specialize in. A psychiatrist.
-A criminal one would be cool. I find myself constantly wondering and analyzing about the actions and the mind of the human.
-But another part of me objects to the many assumptions of science: having your own brother diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed suppressive drugs don't help boost my personal opinion on psychiatrists.
-perhaps we have to find a holistic way of solving the problem. The root of the problem.
-which for me, I personally believe that Christ, and the power of the human touch, is the answer.
-of which, if I was studying medicine right now, I know I'll make a lousy psychiatrist.
-I would have to think more of ways to revolutionize the ways of medicine, a solution that reaches far beyond oral suppressants and pep talks.
-that of course, would be really challenging and appealing to me, but
-of course that may bring success, not fulfillment.
-and I, being a person of simple pleasures, would choose happiness over success.
-looking at pop sitting on the couch,
-he's a successful man. a man who's probly considered as one of the most inspiring leaders who's inspired others to be leaders.
-when you try to talk to him, it's most likely that his mind is elsewhere.
-it reminds me of myself. and i ask, do I want to be like that someday.
-more importantly, would any man leave me if I turned out like that some day?
-mom doesn't like me to think so much of this.
-maybe I shouldn't. No matter how much I stew my thoughts,
-no matter how much I strategize, my fate is not my own.
-because no matter how much you try, you can't control love.
-you can be friends, make the first move, look good, show the best of yourself,
-but you cannot be totally sure that the one you have your eye's on is going to stay interested.
-I can now honestly tell myself that I haven't the capacity to work on a relationship.
-I am frustratingly self-centered. It's a disease. It makes me say things that I don't mean, do things I don't mean to do.
-and the more I stew, I know there's so much to do: get a car, a job, manage my house, manage my social life, see the world, all in a bid to attain enough confidence and self-suffciency to prove to myself to be the best I can.
-but the more I look at others, the more I think this: she didn't have to work to get into a relationship, why should I?
-its a circular argument, you see. I'm arguing with myself. Arguing with God.
-I've finally gotten into the heart of the matter.
-firstly, I do not know what I need. I realise now that I am after instant gratification. Throw me a bf right now, I do not think I will be able to be what he needs, as I am an extremely selfish person.
-secondly. I am afraid to surrender to God's will.
-And lastly. I do not like to wait.